Frank: I can't focus now...What event before your time would you most like to have been a spectator? Hillary Detmoul, who will not be changing her name if she gets married...she'll hyphenate it.

Jon: Say that again.

Frank: What event before your time would you most like to have been a spectator? Hillary Detmoul would like to know.

Jon: I'd like to see Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, when they are having sex. (laughter) Oh, oh I was alive then. (to Vance) You got anything? We probably should go with something historical.

Vance: Yeah, lets go with a historical thing.

Jon and Vance (in unison): Uh...

Vance: Um, that's it.

Jon: Were just go with Samson having sex with Delilah. Wanna go with that one?

Vance: Yeah, yeah, lets go with that.

Jon: I would most like to be around in the times of mythology. You know, in the time when like, Zeus turned into a cow, and had sex with a girl, and she flew out of his head and that's why it rains.

(laughter)

Vance: Those were the days, huh?

Jon: Those were the days.

Frank: I think I'd go with when Liberacci decorated his living room for the first time.

Jon: If nothing else you're consistent.

Frank: I'm consistent. What have we learned tonight? Liberacci, Marines, and chocolate desserts. (laughter) Okay...

Jon: You're literally becoming two-dimensional right before our eyes.

Vance: I have to ask you a question Frank.

Frank: Yeah?

Vance: If you're the webmaster here...

Jon: Are you the webmaster? That is not a title that is easily thrown around.

Vance: I assume he's the webmaster.

Frank: I, I guess so...

Jon: I think you're the proctor.

Vance: Well, then I misspoke. Well, this seems to be somewhat historic, and um, are we making these jerky motions, or is this streaming video like it looks like we're actually doing this?

Frank: I think the people that are watching are going to be making the jerky motions. (laughter) Having been on the Internet a few times myself...Okay.

Jon: That is one of the most disturbing things I have ever heard.

Frank: Don't picture it, you'll hurt yourself. Whose ass do you plan to kiss the most in the new millennium, spelt wrong, and why? Amy asks...there are two n's in millennium okay?

Vance: I've got to say President Gary Bauer.

Jon: The new millennium though, will have no ass kissing. Y2K is going to destroy this country to an extent...can I tell you whats gonna happen?

Frank: Yes.

Jon: At midnight on December 31, the country's going to revert back, because of the computers, to the way we lived in 1980. It is gonna be horrific.

Frank: Then I have the clothes and shoes, I'm so happy.

Jon: Isn't it weird that people panic about that though? I mean, you were alive in 80 when we didn't have computers, it was no big deal. It's not like we have to boil old people for soap.

(laughter)

Vance: Well, maybe not your family, you had money. (Jon laughs)

Jon: Yeah, but it's like, so you'll have to play Pong, what's the big deal?

Vance: Could you imagine if kids had to revert just to Pong today?

Jon: Or LPs.

Vance: Or LPs, oh God forbid.

Jon: So what does that mean, Flock of Seagulls will be big again?

Vance: Very possible

Frank: It'll be like they never left. I still have hair envy when I think of them, I really do.

Jon: Were you like that in High School? What did you dress like in High School? Were you new age?

Frank: Oh, I did it all, I did blitz, I did new age...

Jon: What was blitz?

Frank: Blitz was dressing like Adam Ant.

Jon: Why didn't my High School pick up on that. We thought we were from Alabama. Lynard Skynard and the Outlaws. And people would be like, you live between Philadelphia and New York...

Frank: Yeah, your people at your school were beating me up, basically.

Jon: Oh yeah, I remember the field trips, we would camp out. We all had to get permission slips. (laughter)

Frank: Yeah, and parents signed for that. What are your feelings toward your largest fan club on the net, the Jon Stewart Estrogen Brigade (JSEB), and it it's wonderful (Frank mispronounces) memers... members? How do you feel about the mumers? And that is from JCReporter.

Jon: I'm thrilled. The "mumers" are wonderful. I'm excited about it. It's funny, we used to call my uncles "the estrogen brigade" I'm just thrilled to death. I just wish I understood how they did it. It's like, kids, young-adults, whatever, who know how to make web sites. I'm fascinated by it.

Vance: Is that a volunteer brigade like a volunteer fire-department?

Jon: No, it's a draft thing. Everybody when they hit 18 I think has to go. We're fighting, apparently with one of Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

Vance: Gotta wonder who's gonna persevere.

Jon: Whoever has the best graphics I guess. The best baud time.

Vance: Well, we can only hope.

Jon: You're not asking anything...

Frank: No, you can keep going.

Jon: You know what's weird? this is the longest you've ever talked to me. Every time I see you at a party you'll like, talk to me for a little bit...

Frank: But they pay me more for this than they do for the parties.

Vance: It's like when you were a kid, and you used to watch the old Tonight Show. Didn't you think that Johnny, and Ed, and Doc all hung out after the show? You know go out and...

Jon: Yeah, go out and get plowed and everything. I thought the same thing about the guys in WKRP in Cincinnati. (laughter)

Vance: Well, you know they did it.

Frank: If you were a prize, lets just stop now, if you were a prize in a box of cereal, what would you be? And this is from ShadaBear.

Jon: Umm...

Frank: Oh, I'm sorry, ShodaBear, not ShadaBear...

Jon: If I were a prize in a box of cereal, I would be the one where you dig through the box and you finally get to it and you go, "A fucking whistle? Oh my God..." (laughter) They said wewere gonna get tattoos!

Frank: How have you dealt with th neetions, nations...how have you...

Vance: I don't believe that we have...

Frank: How have the two of you dealt with the sexual tension between the two of you? Thomas Lee would like to know that.

Vance: I didn't know that we...I don't hold anything back.

Jon: Nope, I don't hold anything back. It's just that...

Vance: The double pictoral thats coming out in next months and, uh, in Playgirl...

Frank: I have the advance actually.

(right about here some woman in the audience makes a comment)

Jon: I can't believe we're being heckled by the audience. Literally ten people showed up for this thing, and they're giving us shit.

Vance: Yeah!

Jon: And here's the sad part - they work here.

Vance: That really is sad.

Jon: Vance and I are, are just excited to be together and that's all there is to it...

Frank: I want to know what the gayest moment in the last thousand years was, and you can choose if gay means happy, dot dot dot. Kevin wants to know that.

Jon: (To Frank) Well, I'm gonna refer to you, in terms of cronology...

Vance: In the last thousand years...thats a lot of time. I'm gonna have to say... this signing of the Magna Carta?

(laughter)

Jon: That, that guranteed man's rights...the gayest moment...I'm trying to be real creative, and I can't think of an event, hmm, I don't know.

Frank: I think me at the Tiki room last night...At Walt Disney World, with an 8 year old, that was the gayest moment for me I think.

(Jon is now laughing hysterically)

Vance: We'll be right back.

Jon: That was hilarious.

Frank: You think I'm kidding... (Jon and Vance break out in hysterics) Anyway, I would like to know if Jon will be doing any stand-up comedy tours, Meshel352.

 

Jon: Meshel352, huh... Meshel351, By the way, huge pain in the ass. Yeah, I think I'll be doing some shows.

Frank: That's it?!

Vance: I think you're a bit to modest, where is the tour going to you?

Jon: It's mostly overseas.

Vance: A lot of USO stuff?

Jon: War torn area. I'm huuuuge in Belgium.

Frank: Everyone's huge in Belgium, what the hell was that? They have nothing. They have french fries and thats it.

Jon: Have you ever been to one of those places in the East Village, they come in a cone. But they really do make a better french fry, I don't know how they do it though...but just think if they were working on guns or computers instead, they would be so far ahead of us.

Frank: But they still put mayonaisse on it.

Vance: But you know, this would probably be a good time to plug the, uh, the next Daily Show special, live in Gradsnich.

(laughter)

Frank: Okay. Vance, If the power goes out after New Year's Eve, and we don't have any heat, will you come up to Alaska and keep me warm? CharliesAngelX.

Jon: It's Jewel's psyeudonym.

Vance: Hmm...thats from who?

Frank: CharliesAngelX.

Vance: CharliesAngelX...hmm...

Jon: I would do it.

Vance: Yeah, you know what? I would say yes. I've never been to Alaska. You know what? If you guys can find a story, and kind of oddball story...

Jon: You know what, I've been there, and I uh, I had to get insulin for my grandma, and the dogsleds are so damn slow.

Vance: I'm there, you know, I'm all about helping the old people.

Frank: I've lost control of the show, you realize that? Vance, what was the name of your comedy troup and can we see some footage? Brooke asks.

Vance: My comedy troup?

Frank: Yes.

Vance: Um...

Jon: Mixed Nuts and the footage of their beginning.

(laughter)

Vance: I, I really didn't have a comedy troup, I was part of...

Jon: he was in a band.

Vance: yeah, I was in a band called The Cold in New Orleans...

Frank: I think I got this wrong. What was the name of your band and can we see some footage...or, can we see a video, Brooke would like to know.

Vance: Now, now wait a minute, you're lying about one of those questions, and I wanna know which.

Frank: There is a Cold question here, from someone new.

Vance: I think they're talking about Mr. Bill.

Frank: Mhhmm.

Vance: I used to do the Mr. Bill Show a long time ago. But...

Jon: Before it was clay. (laughter)

Frank: Vance, this is for real, Vance what's the word on a reunion for The Cold?

Jon: They just did one!

Frank: Richard Xavier.

Jon: They just did one!

Frank: Richard, you blew it.

Vance: Alright, yeah, you know what? We just did a reunion on New Orleans over the Thanksgiving holidays. I was down in New Orleans and we played at a club called The Howling Wolf. And it was packed and we had a great time. We released a live cd that's available online.

Frank: Can you download it right now?

Vance: I don't know.

Frank: Jon, is a pulley systen required in your hair maintenance procedure? Liz Enmark...

Jon: Now you're just trying to hurt me.

Frank: No, actually Liz is is trying to do that.

Jon: I don't understand how a pulley would work. It's just a team of Ompa Lumpas with a razor, that's just what it is. (laughter) I don't know how pulleys would help.

Frank: teasing comb and a little hairspray, that's all.

Vance: I just saw that movie for the first time last week.

Jon: Are you serious?

Vance: For the first time.

Jon: Had you no childhood?

Vance: You know, its...

Jon: Isn't that a great movie?

Vance: Yeah, it is. You know, I always thought, eh, I'll get around to it. I never did, and my girlfriend said, "you have to watch this." And she went out and rented it.

Jon: Oh and the Ompa Lumpas, they steal the show. It's a tremendous movie.

(I can't tell what's being said here, my apologies, Real Player sucks)

Frank: Raging Bull no, Willy Wonka, yes. (laughter) Um, Vance, How do you keep your skin so sliky smooth? PikaPika wants to know.

(a long silence)

Frank: Answer fast we have more questions to go.

Vance: You know what, its all just living right I think. And not smiling and showing emotion, I think.

Jon: I also want to point out that he's 24, so it's not that great.

Frank: Jon, my wife spends late nights on the internet. Though she insists that there's nothing to worry about, she recently hooked up a video camera and microphone to her computer.Should I be concerned? Hot69's husband. (lots of laughter)

Vance: Hot69's husband...

Frank: Hot69's husband...

Jon: No, what he should do is, let me know what their website is, let me check it out for him, and just see if there's anything to be concerned about. I'm sure someone named Hot69 is up to purely educational stuff. I don't think there's anything to worry about though.

Frank: Will I have to go to school after the New Year? Trishana wants to know.

Jon: My guess is, well, it all depends. If it's survival school then...uh, you know I've had a full day of work right? I can't be expected to be funny 24 hours a day, I'm not a monkey.

Frank: I have a monkey question, we'll get to that soon.

Vance: I actually have a serious answer for that. I believe that school as we know it will no longer exist, and it'll only be community colleges. That's just my view on that.

Jon: That's an excellent idea. You know what else I'm hoping for? You know, they get the little futuristic pill, and then you rub the thing and it gives you an orgasm?

Frank: Work's for me. Works for me right now actually.

Vance: Are you talking about the orgasmatron, is that it?

Frank: Yeah, which is out today I believe. Anyway. Hi, I am going to turn 21,. this is not a question from me, I am going to turn 21 years old on February 23rd.

Jon: Congratulations and Happy Birthday by the way...

Frank: Yes, thats from Kathy...and I would consider it a personal favor and my birthday wish if you would do a table dance for me at my birthday party in Bloomington, Indiana.

Jon: You know whats weird about that? On the 23rd I'm already booked stripping at another party. You know I do this fireman thing, and...

Frank: I've seen the fireman thing and its worth the 25 dollars.

Jon: Its at the daughters of the American Revolution party.

Vance: Yeah, but it's sexy and sensible at the same time.

(And now a question from our President, Miss Rebecca!)

Frank: If you could be a pokemon character, which would you be and why? JonsKitchenBch (Frank pronounces it Jon's Kitchen Beach, although it should be Jon's Kitchen Bitch...don't they remember the summer spectacular?!)

Jon: I'd be the character that tells all the other characters he's just out for their money. My brother has to do all that. He;s got, what do you call 'em? Kids. You know, those little people?

Frank: Yeah. Not the Ompa Lumpas...

Jon: No, the real ones. They're crazy for it. And you know what else? They like the singing Elmo. My brother had to go in one night and cut out the heart of the singing Elmo so it'd stop singing. It's cute, you know, for a little bit. 4 in the morning (He starts to sing) Sunny Days, (laughter) sweeping the...

Frank: Well, the next question asks will you sing for us like in Elmopalooza?

Vance: Well, you just did.

Jon: Sunny Days...

Frank: Alright, we heard that. What's the funniest gag...

Jon: (starts singing random song lyrics) ...sorry. Clang Clang Clang with the Trolley...

Frank: What's the funniest gag you couldn't take to the air? Christian O'Connell wants to know.

Vance: Oh, I think we both know that. Unfortunately this is the internet and we can't even take it here. (awww from the audience) I really can't comment on it.

Frank: Okay, last question. Say tomorrow is Armaggedon. No not the movie with Bruce Willis. What are you going to do, and with whom, and why? Jeanine Otten wants to know.

Jon: For the past 8 years in preparation, I have been drinking not only my urine, but sort of a Whitman's Sampler of urines from around the world. And I've come across some of, Swedishurine and not only is it pure, but it works on making your hair blonde.

Vance: But you should clarify that for anybody at home, that it's filtered.

Jon: Really, um, I don't have the filter.

Frank: You need a Brita, you can pour it through.

Jon: Can I tell you this though?

Frank: What?

Jon: Chilled (rolls eyes up)

Frank: Heaven. Heaven! We heard it here.

Jon: It's like kettle wine.

Frank: I'm guessing Boone's Fram Apple wine actually.

Jon: Yeah, are you doing something for Armageddon, or are we out of time?

Frank: Yeah, we're almost done. Well, on that lovely, lovely, biologically sound note, we have to say goodbye. So you can go to Amazon or whatever and begin your financial ruin.

Jon: I love the fact that you think people are still watching. (laughter)

Frank: I need to believe that, I need it.

Vance: But it was lovely visiting with you Frank.

Frank: Thank you. Thanks for being on my show!

Jon: You're a good man. Frankie DeCaro!

(clapping)

END

Back