Close Encounters of the Jon Kind
December 12, 2003
Note: Two pictures
Holy Shit. I have met .
. . Jon Stewart. Im typing this now as I have just gotten back from the
road and rehashed it all for my mother and little brother, both converted Jon
Stewart fans by moi, of course, and now I shall tell it to you.
As you all well know, the
show was at first scheduled for Friday the 5th, but then as luck would have
it we had the first snowstorm of the winter season on that day. Poor woman from
backstage came out a couple times, first with Jon Stewart on the cell phone,
where we got to ask him questions such as where the hell are you?
He got stuck at White Marsh, and had been on the NJ Turnpike for about 5 hours.
Ouch. He then said everyone can get a free drink, so the people backstage released
us for some sort of mini-intermission as we got the drinks and stretched our
legs since we had been waiting over an hour. I was half tempted to get my Dad
to go back there because as an ex-cop he knew the back roads like the back of
his hand, and let me tell you the back of his hand is nothing short of bread
dough mixing with the Texan Chainsaw Massacre Dude. But I soon dismissed the
idea after presenting it to dear papa. He said that in this weather that if
the main-roads were bad, the back roads would be worse. And I didnt want
Jon to get into an accident. After ushering us back in after the drinks they
made the announcement that Jon canceled the show because traffic was hell and
he was exhausted. Poor little Jew man. But I heard later he stopped off at the
Meyerhoff late that night and I know two fans whom I met later who got signatures
and whatnot, but Ill get to that near the end. So on with Friday the 12th.
We, my father and I, had
gotten into the Meyerhoff about a half an hour before scheduled time, and gotten
something to eat (sushi and Diet Coke, yummy). We went into the theatre at around
7:45 to get into our seats, and I had forgotten how close we were. Second row,
baby, smack in the middle of the heckling/picking area. The curtains had a projection
of white snowflakes on it. My dad found this to be hilariously ironic, and began
cracking up at different intervals while looking up at it, making me quite embarrassed.
We made idle chat with the people we recognized around us, talked about what
we had done the past week, tossing about the fact that we heard as we went in
that Jon wasnt there yet. But I didnt feel nervous, just
Mind you, this is the first time I had ever seen anyone do stand-up live, let
alone my idol doing standup live, and now here I was sitting in a theatre, close
enough to see his shoelaces. This was the man who had really gotten me into
comedy. This was my role-model. Maybe surreal would be a better word.
Well, our rumors were put
aside as the light jazz music quit and the lights dimmed, and with a proper
introduction, Jon Stewart entered the stage. I screamed, I shouted, I clapped,
I hollered and was half-tempted to throw my panties on stage. But I decided
to save that for the Kiss concert. I can only afford so much Victoria Secret.
And so he came out, apologized many, many times, cracked a joke here and there
about it, and on went the show. And before I forget, he was wearing black boots,
faded greenish khakis, and a dark grayish sweater with an even lighter grey
Alright, now heres
the list of things he went over, and by the way, he killed. Fecking hysterical.
Latin explosion, Bush, government, racism, religion, masturbation, the horny
cat bit, Monkey with the explosive diarrhea and vomiting after eating the trash
because of the cake in there from his birthday, women versus men on sex, the
freedom bit, the condemn and beer bit, smoking, pot, Jews versus Blacks, and
a few jabs at Baltimore, and Im sure there are many more, but Im
in such a tizzy right now, and Im on such a high, I cant remember
shite but what Im spewing out now before I forget.
Now, I would have been plenty
happy if I sat there, even not in the 2nd row, hell in the back row of the furthest
balcony, and laughed my ass off from afar. But no, as the divine Fates would
have it, the decided that I had been a good little girl, and that I should be
rewarded. First thing up, Jon looked about and saw a lot of young people around
and commented accordingly. He then asked So whos the youngest here
Ive scarred for life? I raised my hand intrepidly, it seeming to
have a mind of its own; he leapt to the edge of the stage and asked, How
old are you?
Sixteen, I answered,
trying not to piss myself as we made eye contact. His eyes seemed pretty dark
on stage, almost brown, but if he walked to a certain spot and opened his eyes
wide they looked really blue. Like ice blue, but you could see some green in
Oh wow, thats
pretty damn young, but not too bad. I would just like to say I am so sorry
and he continued on, making many laugh, then asked around the other kids, none
of them being as young as me (yippee!), until he came across a 10 year old.
Ten fecking years old. Jon then went into a tirade on how he (the kid) and I
would be sitting in a therapists office 20 years from now, talking about
how mentally fecked up we are because of our early exposure to vulgar ways.
And on went the show.
Now, the last time we had
a little connection is when he started talking about his wife. He said,
so my wife is a vet tech-
I gave a little WOO!
A startled Jon looked to
me and asked, Oh! Are you a vet tech?!
I confessed, Not really,
I work as a volunteer tech at Falls Road.
He nodded, Falls Road,
eh? I know where that is! Thats cool. And so my wife
he continued, until he came to a part where he was making a point on how medical
care for animals is getting as good as it is for people now, Lets
say, your cat tears up his knee. A yarn incident, lets say. He turned
to me, Do cats even have knees? Making eye contact once more. Shudders
I nodded for the short answer.
Yes cats do have knees on the hindlegs, but they are more commonly known to
us as the stifle, and it goes for both cats and dogs. So Jon continued with
a thanks and a nod. So lets say then the cat has knees
And so the performance went
one, laughing hysterically right and left, nearly having an asthma attack multiple
times. And then sadly, it all ended. I was the first to stand and applaud him
as he left the mike, and I got a bow, wink, and wave as we made eye contact
once more. He doesnt have a clue how special hes made me feel today.
And so he exited. Overall not a bad show. Laughed the entire time and there
were maybe only a few people out there wanting to heckle him. Like the time
one dude shouted out about legalizing pot, but Jon didnt hear him so he
asked him to repeat, and the theatre went silent, See, look what I told
you, no attention span, whatsoever! Legalize pot! Legalize pot! Legalize pot!
Legali- oh look
Now, I had two books that
I would have loved to get signed (both Naked Pictures for Famous people, one
that was my friends, the other mine) which I had been holding in my hands
the entire time, and I rushed to the edge of the stage after the show, only
to be told that he wouldnt be signing. This is where I met Cara and Julie,
the two stalkers I mentioned before. Dad said he would wait since I suggested
that maybe he would come out later when some more people cleared out. He also
then started joking about breaking out the leg-irons and handcuffs
parents that live to embarrass their children. So we waited, and waited, people
handing cards and such to the backstage people to give to Jon. And again the
head lady-person came out and said he wouldnt be signing anything. I asked
if at least I could give my friends book to someone and pass it on to
Jon to sign because I had planned it to be a Xmas present for her. I tell you
my friend, Lara, has been a fan of Jons waaayyy longer than I. She was
there for Vance and a bit of Kilby for the Daily Show! She was one of my reasons
why I got caught up in Jon Stewart in the first place. The head-lady person
said sorry but no, and then a whole lot of people turned and left, but before
I turned to leave the nice lady-person knelt down on the stage, grabbed the
shoulder of my coat and whispered to me, Hes leaving through the
back entrance on this side of the theatre. She said pointing in the general
direction, Ill hold him here a while to give you time to get there.
Cara and Julie then piped
up saying that thats where they met him last week and got pictures and
autographs. So, I thanked the nice head lady-person in charge, Cara and Julie
grabbed me, and off we went into the bitter cold to wait outside, me running
the entire time to get to said exit. Feck asthma and tendinitis
While we waited, I talked
to the two fellow fans, and I think it was Julie who said that she knew most
of her info from JSIA, I said me too, and off we went talking about such, till
the point she asked me for my e-mail because she had a camera and she would
be honored to get a picture of Jon and I to send to me.
So indeed after a few other
people found out what was up and started accumulating, Jon went through the
glass doors, pointed to me and said, Hey, you! Again, but I tried
my best to keep cool. I asked him if he could please sign the books and he said
Sure, of course! naturally. Aww
He is so adorable. I just
wanted to give him a squeeze right there. Dad then made a comment on how Jon
was left handed as he saw him write on the books in reference to what he said
about the masturbation bit, embarrassing me even more. To which he just replied
with a Yeah
I said in response to that
after shooting my dad a nasty look, Snap, snap, wink, wink, say no more.
And Jon laughed. Props to Manta Python for giving me the material in order to
make Jon laugh. He has such a cute laugh. He
made the autograph to Lara special since I asked specifically for it after telling
him about how much of a fan she was. I fancied with the idea of getting him
to call her on my cell phone, but I ditched it quick. I didnt want to
freak the man that has been my role model for over four years. He made a few
cute remarks about that, which I cant remember exactly, but it ran along
the lines of telling her that hes sorry for scarring her life too. I then
got a bit curious and asked him a few questions, like where did his wife go
to be a vet tech, and if she was interested in studying further to be a vet.
I wont tell where she went for the sake of safety, but he did give me
a few other tips about a few other colleges in NY that she had been considering;
to the second question he answered, Nah. Were getting old in age
Along with a few other things about the time for studying and
To which I replied, You
have no idea, Mr. Stewart. Ive seen some over 70. The oldest at Falls
is 73. Youve still got plenty of time. Again he laughed, then he
thanked me for calling him Mr. Stewart saying it was sweet of me,
and something along the lines of how it wasnt really necessary.
We then posed to get the
picture (pretty damn close if you ask me), but the camera went fubar-ish, so
he went and signed a few things for other people whilst we tried to fix it way
off to the side so we wouldnt be in the way. They (Julie and Cara) asked
me to pose to see if it was working, and so I went into Arnold Schwarzenegger/The
Rock mode, posing in sundry forms more suitable for the aforementioned whilst
I made my Schwarzenegger voice impressions. The girls cracking up as I did so.
I didnt know Jon was watching till I heard him giggling at me. That time
I almost had an asthma attack. And out in that cold it could have been easily
done. Oh well. Hopkins was only about a block away.
We then posed, got the picture,
and the oddest thing happened. Father dearest started calling me and threatening
that he would leave me out here if I didnt hurry up because he was afraid
he was going to fall asleep at the wheel, and Jon interrupted him saying, Hold
on a minute! And he
And it wasnt one
of those touch arms and release like Ive just made contact with frying
cow crap hugs, I got the close squeeze, rub and pat the back thing. He is so
Oh and to note, he was not wearing the leather jacket. I think he
retired it after realizing how many cracks it had. But he smelled very nice.
Just a small hint of cologne I think. Nothing strong at all. Maybe hes
an asthmatic too. Ive heard him say a few things about that on the Daily
Show. I was hoping for Axe Phoenix (my fave fragrance) but I think thats
more for the teens to the late 20s age group. Im never washing my coat
again. I think some of the smell of him rubbed off because I could still hint
it when we got into the truck on the way home. Sweet
Speechless, dear dada pried
me away from the scene since he saw me starting to get pale, and later he told
me that my nails looked blue from there. I shouted to Jon as I walked to the
parking lot, THANK YOU, MR. STEWART! and then as Cara and Julie
started shouting complaints at me I added, THANK YOU JULIE AND CARA! I
LUFF YOU!!! YOU GUYS ARE GREAT! GO CARA AND JULIE! WOO-HOO!!!
And so I turned my back
and closed a chapter of my life to the laughter of Jons voice, hearing
resound down the street before the traffic from the upcoming intersection drowned
him out. I wanted to ask him so many questions, a few I just plain forgot in
my giddiness and after the hug I dont think I would have spoken if Jon
himself held me down and tickled me, and others I held back for the sake of
not scaring the begeezus out of the poor man. Im probably forgetting some
HUGE detail, and Ive probably misquoted him every single time, but oh
well. I had fun. Jon Stewart has made my day, my week, my month, my year, hell,
Next stop, a Late Night
with Conan OBrien taping
Compiled by Melly.