Jon Stewart blue pic

 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB




The Fan Files
 Close Encounters of the Jon Kind
 Standup shows


Name: FlameRain
Age: 16
Location: Maryland
Encounter date: December 12, 2003
Added: October 21, 2004
Note: Two pictures with Jon

Holy Shit. I have met . . . Jon Stewart. I’m typing this now as I have just gotten back from the road and rehashed it all for my mother and little brother, both converted Jon Stewart fans by moi, of course, and now I shall tell it to you.

As you all well know, the show was at first scheduled for Friday the 5th, but then as luck would have it we had the first snowstorm of the winter season on that day. Poor woman from backstage came out a couple times, first with Jon Stewart on the cell phone, where we got to ask him questions such as “where the hell are you?” He got stuck at White Marsh, and had been on the NJ Turnpike for about 5 hours. Ouch. He then said everyone can get a free drink, so the people backstage released us for some sort of mini-intermission as we got the drinks and stretched our legs since we had been waiting over an hour. I was half tempted to get my Dad to go back there because as an ex-cop he knew the back roads like the back of his hand, and let me tell you the back of his hand is nothing short of bread dough mixing with the Texan Chainsaw Massacre Dude. But I soon dismissed the idea after presenting it to dear papa. He said that in this weather that if the main-roads were bad, the back roads would be worse. And I didn’t want Jon to get into an accident. After ushering us back in after the drinks they made the announcement that Jon canceled the show because traffic was hell and he was exhausted. Poor little Jew man. But I heard later he stopped off at the Meyerhoff late that night and I know two fans whom I met later who got signatures and whatnot, but I’ll get to that near the end. So on with Friday the 12th.

We, my father and I, had gotten into the Meyerhoff about a half an hour before scheduled time, and gotten something to eat (sushi and Diet Coke, yummy). We went into the theatre at around 7:45 to get into our seats, and I had forgotten how close we were. Second row, baby, smack in the middle of the heckling/picking area. The curtains had a projection of white snowflakes on it. My dad found this to be hilariously ironic, and began cracking up at different intervals while looking up at it, making me quite embarrassed. We made idle chat with the people we recognized around us, talked about what we had done the past week, tossing about the fact that we heard as we went in that Jon wasn’t there yet. But I didn’t feel nervous, just… odd. Mind you, this is the first time I had ever seen anyone do stand-up live, let alone my idol doing standup live, and now here I was sitting in a theatre, close enough to see his shoelaces. This was the man who had really gotten me into comedy. This was my role-model. Maybe surreal would be a better word.

Well, our rumors were put aside as the light jazz music quit and the lights dimmed, and with a proper introduction, Jon Stewart entered the stage. I screamed, I shouted, I clapped, I hollered and was half-tempted to throw my panties on stage. But I decided to save that for the Kiss concert. I can only afford so much Victoria Secret. And so he came out, apologized many, many times, cracked a joke here and there about it, and on went the show. And before I forget, he was wearing black boots, faded greenish khakis, and a dark grayish sweater with an even lighter grey T-shirt underneath.

Alright, now here’s the list of things he went over, and by the way, he killed. Fecking hysterical. Latin explosion, Bush, government, racism, religion, masturbation, the horny cat bit, Monkey with the explosive diarrhea and vomiting after eating the trash because of the cake in there from his birthday, women versus men on sex, the freedom bit, the condemn and beer bit, smoking, pot, Jews versus Blacks, and a few jabs at Baltimore, and I’m sure there are many more, but I’m in such a tizzy right now, and I’m on such a high, I can’t remember shite but what I’m spewing out now before I forget.

Now, I would have been plenty happy if I sat there, even not in the 2nd row, hell in the back row of the furthest balcony, and laughed my ass off from afar. But no, as the divine Fates would have it, the decided that I had been a good little girl, and that I should be rewarded. First thing up, Jon looked about and saw a lot of young people around and commented accordingly. He then asked “So who’s the youngest here I’ve scarred for life?” I raised my hand intrepidly, it seeming to have a mind of its own; he leapt to the edge of the stage and asked, “How old are you?”

“Sixteen,” I answered, trying not to piss myself as we made eye contact. His eyes seemed pretty dark on stage, almost brown, but if he walked to a certain spot and opened his eyes wide they looked really blue. Like ice blue, but you could see some green in there too.

“Oh wow, that’s pretty damn young, but not too bad. I would just like to say I am so sorry…” and he continued on, making many laugh, then asked around the other kids, none of them being as young as me (yippee!), until he came across a 10 year old. Ten fecking years old. Jon then went into a tirade on how he (the kid) and I would be sitting in a therapist’s office 20 years from now, talking about how mentally fecked up we are because of our early exposure to vulgar ways. And on went the show.

Now, the last time we had a little connection is when he started talking about his wife. He said, “… so my wife is a vet tech-”

I gave a little “WOO!”

A startled Jon looked to me and asked, “Oh! Are you a vet tech?!”

I confessed, “Not really, I work as a volunteer tech at Falls Road.”

He nodded, “Falls Road, eh? I know where that is! That’s cool. And so my wife…” and on he continued, until he came to a part where he was making a point on how medical care for animals is getting as good as it is for people now, “Let’s say, your cat tears up his knee. A yarn incident, let’s say.” He turned to me, “Do cats even have knees?” Making eye contact once more. Shudders and chills…

I nodded for the short answer. Yes cats do have knees on the hindlegs, but they are more commonly known to us as the stifle, and it goes for both cats and dogs. So Jon continued with a thanks and a nod. “So let’s say then the cat has knees…”

And so the performance went one, laughing hysterically right and left, nearly having an asthma attack multiple times. And then sadly, it all ended. I was the first to stand and applaud him as he left the mike, and I got a bow, wink, and wave as we made eye contact once more. He doesn’t have a clue how special he’s made me feel today. And so he exited. Overall not a bad show. Laughed the entire time and there were maybe only a few people out there wanting to heckle him. Like the time one dude shouted out about legalizing pot, but Jon didn’t hear him so he asked him to repeat, and the theatre went silent, “See, look what I told you, no attention span, whatsoever! Legalize pot! Legalize pot! Legalize pot! Legali- oh look… My hand…”

Now, I had two books that I would have loved to get signed (both Naked Pictures for Famous people, one that was my friend’s, the other mine) which I had been holding in my hands the entire time, and I rushed to the edge of the stage after the show, only to be told that he wouldn’t be signing. This is where I met Cara and Julie, the two stalkers I mentioned before. Dad said he would wait since I suggested that maybe he would come out later when some more people cleared out. He also then started joking about breaking out the leg-irons and handcuffs… Damn parents that live to embarrass their children. So we waited, and waited, people handing cards and such to the backstage people to give to Jon. And again the head lady-person came out and said he wouldn’t be signing anything. I asked if at least I could give my friend’s book to someone and pass it on to Jon to sign because I had planned it to be a Xmas present for her. I tell you my friend, Lara, has been a fan of Jon’s waaayyy longer than I. She was there for Vance and a bit of Kilby for the Daily Show! She was one of my reasons why I got caught up in Jon Stewart in the first place. The head-lady person said sorry but no, and then a whole lot of people turned and left, but before I turned to leave the nice lady-person knelt down on the stage, grabbed the shoulder of my coat and whispered to me, “He’s leaving through the back entrance on this side of the theatre.” She said pointing in the general direction, “I’ll hold him here a while to give you time to get there.”

Cara and Julie then piped up saying that that’s where they met him last week and got pictures and autographs. So, I thanked the nice head lady-person in charge, Cara and Julie grabbed me, and off we went into the bitter cold to wait outside, me running the entire time to get to said exit. Feck asthma and tendinitis

While we waited, I talked to the two fellow fans, and I think it was Julie who said that she knew most of her info from JSIA, I said me too, and off we went talking about such, till the point she asked me for my e-mail because she had a camera and she would be honored to get a picture of Jon and I to send to me.

So indeed after a few other people found out what was up and started accumulating, Jon went through the glass doors, pointed to me and said, “Hey, you!” Again, but I tried my best to keep cool. I asked him if he could please sign the books and he said “Sure, of course!” naturally. Aww… He is so adorable. I just wanted to give him a squeeze right there. Dad then made a comment on how Jon was left handed as he saw him write on the books in reference to what he said about the masturbation bit, embarrassing me even more. To which he just replied with a “Yeah…”

I said in response to that after shooting my dad a nasty look, “Snap, snap, wink, wink, say no more.” And Jon laughed. Props to Manta Python for giving me the material in order to make Jon laugh. He has such a cute laugh. He made the autograph to Lara special since I asked specifically for it after telling him about how much of a fan she was. I fancied with the idea of getting him to call her on my cell phone, but I ditched it quick. I didn’t want to freak the man that has been my role model for over four years. He made a few cute remarks about that, which I can’t remember exactly, but it ran along the lines of telling her that he’s sorry for scarring her life too. I then got a bit curious and asked him a few questions, like where did his wife go to be a vet tech, and if she was interested in studying further to be a vet. I won’t tell where she went for the sake of safety, but he did give me a few other tips about a few other colleges in NY that she had been considering; to the second question he answered, “Nah. We’re getting old in age here…” Along with a few other things about the time for studying and such.

To which I replied, “You have no idea, Mr. Stewart. I’ve seen some over 70. The oldest at Falls is 73. You’ve still got plenty of time.” Again he laughed, then he thanked me for calling him “Mr. Stewart” saying it was sweet of me, and something along the lines of how it wasn’t really necessary.

We then posed to get the picture (pretty damn close if you ask me), but the camera went fubar-ish, so he went and signed a few things for other people whilst we tried to fix it way off to the side so we wouldn’t be in the way. They (Julie and Cara) asked me to pose to see if it was working, and so I went into Arnold Schwarzenegger/The Rock mode, posing in sundry forms more suitable for the aforementioned whilst I made my Schwarzenegger voice impressions. The girls cracking up as I did so. I didn’t know Jon was watching till I heard him giggling at me. That time I almost had an asthma attack. And out in that cold it could have been easily done. Oh well. Hopkins was only about a block away.

We then posed, got the picture, and the oddest thing happened. Father dearest started calling me and threatening that he would leave me out here if I didn’t hurry up because he was afraid he was going to fall asleep at the wheel, and Jon interrupted him saying, “Hold on a minute!” And he… Hugged… Me… And it wasn’t one of those touch arms and release like I’ve just made contact with frying cow crap hugs, I got the close squeeze, rub and pat the back thing. He is so sweet… Oh and to note, he was not wearing the leather jacket. I think he retired it after realizing how many cracks it had. But he smelled very nice. Just a small hint of cologne I think. Nothing strong at all. Maybe he’s an asthmatic too. I’ve heard him say a few things about that on the Daily Show. I was hoping for Axe Phoenix (my fave fragrance) but I think that’s more for the teens to the late 20s age group. I’m never washing my coat again. I think some of the smell of him rubbed off because I could still hint it when we got into the truck on the way home. Sweet…

Speechless, dear dada pried me away from the scene since he saw me starting to get pale, and later he told me that my nails looked blue from there. I shouted to Jon as I walked to the parking lot, “THANK YOU, MR. STEWART!” and then as Cara and Julie started shouting complaints at me I added, “THANK YOU JULIE AND CARA! I LUFF YOU!!! YOU GUYS ARE GREAT! GO CARA AND JULIE! WOO-HOO!!!”

And so I turned my back and closed a chapter of my life to the laughter of Jon’s voice, hearing resound down the street before the traffic from the upcoming intersection drowned him out. I wanted to ask him so many questions, a few I just plain forgot in my giddiness and after the hug I don’t think I would have spoken if Jon himself held me down and tickled me, and others I held back for the sake of not scaring the begeezus out of the poor man. I’m probably forgetting some HUGE detail, and I’ve probably misquoted him every single time, but oh well. I had fun. Jon Stewart has made my day, my week, my month, my year, hell, my life.

Next stop, a Late Night with Conan O’Brien taping… I hope…


Compiled by Melly.

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